I always knew Ivey graduates were illiterate

So has anyone else been to the Ivey Library? Man it's like a frickin' tomb!

I had to go get a book there today, and upon walking in, I noticed rows and rows of empty shelves. Now this caught me as a little bit suspect, and upon further exploration, I found where they keep all of their books. In a BOMB SHELTER.

There was a sign pointing to some stairs that said BOOKS in large letters, which made me think of how when people try to talk to someone who doesn't speak english, they alway talk slower and louder. I follow these stairs, thinking that they have a separate section down on the next level, that is was bigger than the main part of the library. I ended up going down three stories, down rickety metal stairs, to find stacks way smaller than the other parts of the library. And all I could think of when I was down there was that at one time this room had been used by people to tough it out while waiting for the bomb to drop.

So I took out three books, and man, did I ever dent the collection. Needless to say when I am done with these books I will never go into that creepy dungeon again.

Peace.

Guess who's back?

Holy Crap.

Has anyone else even been on this site in the last 6 months? Man, I forgot this thing existed!

Anyways, I seem to have forgotten how much fun it is to post random, stupid stories and rant on about absolutely nothing. So I've decided to make a comeback and bore you with some more posts. That, and this is an effective time killer that keeps me from doing "real" work.

So from one loudmouth to another, I salute the biggest jackass in sports in my latest comeback. This is an article, written by James Duthie of TSN, about everyone's favorite WR, Terrel Owens. For those of you living under a rock (or not into sports), the Philly reciever was recently kicked off of the Eagles after going on a tyrade, lashing out at Donovan McNabb, Andy Reid, and the rest of the Eagles' organization. He seemed to think that they aren't playing like they should be, and little does he realize, THAT INCLUDES HIM. Duthie wrote this article to kind of make fun of him, and sadly, I could see this being a real life anecdote too.

11/9/2005
It’s the time of the year for mid-season replacement shows on all the networks. Coming this week to UPN, from the makers of the Chris Rock bio-hit Everybody Hates Chris, It's Everybody Hates Terrell, chronicling the early years in the life of Terrell Owens. We obtained an advance script:

Scene 1: Hospital Delivery Room:

Doctor: "I see the head! Here it comes! Mrs. Owens you have a beautiful baby boy!"

Baby Terrell: "Damn right I’m beautiful! Did you guys see that move? I juked and jived so bad, that birth canal had no chance to slow me down! Now watch me shake off this placenta!"
(Baby Terrell straight-arms the nurse, leaps to the floor, moonwalks across the room, and back flips into his mothers arms)

Nurse: "Did that…really…just…happen?"

Baby Terrell: "Damn right it happened! You can’t cover T.O lady! Nobody stops Baby T.O!"

Doctor: "But…I thought babies only talked in really bad John Travolta movies?"

Baby Terrell: "Ain’t never been a baby like Baby T.O! So who wants Baby T.O’s first autograph?"

Doctor: "Hey…where did you pull that sharpie out of…Oh Dear God!"

Scene 2: Kindergarten Playground

Teacher: "Timmy, why are you crying?

Timmy (sniffling): "We were playing Duck, Duck, Goose and Terrell told me he was going to make me his b***h!"

Teacher: "Terrell, you get over here! I’ve told you a thousand times, don’t trash-talk the other children!"

Young Terrell: "Hold on teach, it’s my turn. Watch this! Duck…Duck…Duck…Duck…Goose! Just try to catch me sucka! No one catches T.O! See! I win again!"

(Young Terrell proceeds to do his latest Duck Duck Goose victory celebration dance, pulling a pretend rifle from his back and shooting a pretend goose from the sky.)

Teacher: "That’s enough Terrell! No more recess for you this week!"

Young Terrell: "That’s it! I want out! I want to be transferred to a new school! And I want them to cover my milk money!"

Teacher: "Terrell, you are five years old! You aren’t going anywhere except the principal’s office…NOW!

Scene 3: Principal’s Office

Principal: "Umm…Terrell…Who is the kid sitting next to you?"

Young Terrell: "That’s Drew from Grade 3. He can write! He’s my new agent!"

Drew: "Mr. Principal, I have complied a list of demands including new crayons weekly, unlimited Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups at snack time, and exclusive access to the big slide in the playground at lunch and after school."

Principal: "GET OUT!

(Drew runs from the room, screaming something about filing a grievance)

Principal: "Look Terrell. You apologize right now. Or you are suspended."

Young Terrell (sighs): "All right."

(He pulls a crumpled paper from his pocket)

Young Terrell: "I guess T.O is kinda sorry for…"

Principal: "Are you…reading a prepared statement?!?"

Young Terrell: "Hey…I AM! I can read! Another score for T.O! He’s done it again!"

(Young Terrell jumps on the principal’s desk and does his new "I can read" celebration dance: he flips through the pages of an imaginary book, mouthing the words to an imaginary audience, then bows, spikes the pretend book to the floor, and flexes.)

The Principal puts his head on the desk and sobs. Credits roll.

Next week: Young Terrell hold his first news conference after dominating a game of Red Rover. He promises to recreate the scene in a Right Guard commercial some day.


Here's to hoping no one picks him up in the offseason, and finally football will be rid of this overpriced, overbearing waste of space. Then maybe we can start looking at getting rid of other high-priced wastes, such as Alexei Yashin, Vince Carter and Ricky Williams.

Glad to be back.